The little green boy
by slinko
Summary: um...where to begin? um...Ed and Scar are both Green. But Alphonse isn't. So, naturally, they ask a vampire why that is. um...i need help.
1. why am I writing this?

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fma...However, I DO own a naruto headband! tee hee! I'm wearing it right now!**

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Once upon a time, there was a little green boy. His name was Edward Elric! But most people just called him Ed. Ed was a small green boy with gold eyes and blonde hair. His best friends name was Scar. Scar was a small green boy with red eyes.Scar was also moderatly smexy. Ed and Scar used to play for countless hours in the nice soft green pastures. They also had a sidekick named Alfons Heidnrich. Alfons was usually considered to be ultra friggin shmexy. But that was just the silly authors opinion. Silly author! 

Ed sat down in the lush green pastures of his country home. He lived in..um...Kansas! Yeah that's it! Kansas...Scar and Alfons sat down next to him. At that moment, Scar pointed out a fact that they all had been neglecting for a while.

" We have antennaes.Do you think we're aliens Ed?" Asked Scar. Ed shrugged.

" I dunno. We might be. But then again, aren't all humans green with antennae?" pondered Ed. Alfons shook his head.

" I don't think so." he said," I mean, I don't have green skin OR antennaes..."

Ed nodded. That didn't make sense, but what the hell? He might as well go along with it...or maybe he could just ask an all knowing adult he happened to know!

"We should ask farmer Mustang!" Ed suggested. Scar and Alfons agreed so they walke dover to farmer mustang.

" Farmer Mustang? Why are we green when Alfons isn't?" asked Ed.

" Ed, why did you and Scar paint yourselves green? And why are you in my office?" Roy asked lazily. Ed lifted an eyebrow.

" What're you talkin' bout farmer Musatng?" he asked.

" And stop calling me that."

" Calllin' you what?"

" Farmer Musatng that's what!"

" But that's yer name ain't it?"

" Ed...get out of here." said Roy, and he threw them out the window.

" Well now what?" asked Scar.

" Now, we go ask Barry the Merhcant!" suggested Alfons. Ed nodded in approval.

And so, the three of them went to go ask Barry the merchant.

" Exsuce me? Barry the merchant? Why are Scar and Ed green when i'm not?" Asked Alfons. Barry lifted an eyebrow.

" Who are you and why are you talking to me?" he asked calmly.

" I'm Alfons heidrich. I like rockets, coughing up blood, and my friends Scar and Ed."

" Ok ok. Shut up."

" But why are my friends green?"

" I don't know. But I DO know that right now I'm busy chopping up this Tucker guy, so leave me alone!" said Barry, and he pushed them along.

Ed frowned.

" NOW who are we supposed to ask?" he questioned.

" How about That vampire who lives on the outskirts of town?" Suggested Scar. Alfons and Ed smiled.

" Yeah! He'll know something for sure!" they said in unison. And so, they went to the outskirts of town to where they heard a vampire lived.

" Excuse me? Mister vampire man? Do you know why me and Ed are green, but Alfons isn't?" asked Scar. The vampire glanced at him and turned back to his overly large, evil looking computer.

There was a short pause...and then...

" Um..Mister Vampire?" Scar said, tugging on the vampires cape thing. The vampie sighed and turned around in his swivel chair.

" Okay okay okay, first of all don't call me mister vampire. Call me Kain. Second of all, Yes, I do know why you and your friend Ed are green, but Alfons isn't." said Kain. Alfons, Ed, and Scar smiled happily.

" why? Please tell us Kain!" They begged. Kain sighed.

" Very well, it'll best be described...with a short story..." said the vampire, and he began to tell them the story of the The music teacher, The pepsi can, and the little Irken...

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**That was chapter one of a two chapter fanfic. Just look at what I've done! I've created a monster!...Just reveiw okay?**


	2. Am I insane or something?

**Disclaimer: I wish I could meet Ivyna J spyder...don't you? I do...I also wish I could meet Dr shnaps...I never will meet them though...sighs.**

**I get an award for...not owning fma! Ya**

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And so, Kain told them the story about the music teacher, the pepsi can, and the little Irken...

" Well, I suppose I'll have to tell you the story, seeing how the fanfic author is forcing me to anyways...But anywho, It all started one day with a little irken named...Irahs. Now Irahs wasn't a mean Irken. Oh no. She was just...impaitient, and she was pretty fed up with the meaning of life...and so, she went to a certain cafe and..."

At this point, I ask my reader to please imagine that Kains voice is fading away and a new scence is starting. In the sceane is a little female irken inside of a cafe...

Irahs walked into the cafe. She heard that a man worked here. She also had heard that he was very intelligent. Of course, she had ALSO heard that pigeons were revolting against eggnog...

Irahs walked up to the counter and rang a little bell.

"Oh $#! Who's at the counter now?.!" came a very angry sounding voice. Irahs slowly blinked...mmmm...socks...

A slightly short man with brown hair walked over to Irahs. He was wearing a yellow trenchcoat, a white T-shirt, jeans, and a pair of sunglasses. He apeared to be very irritated.

"And what do you want?" asked the man. Irahs shivered. This man frightened her.

" Well, first of all I need to know your name." said Irahs.

" NOODLES! GET AWAY FROM THAT! NO DON'T EAT HIM!" screamed the man, suddenly in a panic. The man ran down the hall. From the hall he ran down, Irahs could hear the following noises.

"FFIGGIGENFOGINKLETIMNERWINTOL!"

"I will devour him whole! He is an outsider! A monstor! I'm not wearing any underwear todaaaaaay!"

"YOU FAINTED AGAIN?.! AAAAAAH!"

" BAD NOODLES! BAD CHERRY! WHOAMYGAWD! WHAT'VE YOU DONE TO ROY AND LINK!.?"

" If you make the outsiders leave, I swear I'll let them go! And Noodles will stop clogging the vaccum cleaner!"

"But Cherry! Link and Roy are paying customers!"

"DJSPEWIFGNWXOCVBNRU!"

" Shut up Noodles, go outside and-OHMYGAWD! CHEERY! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!.? RRRRRRR...! **IM GONNA KILL EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU NICE AND SLOW!**"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

" DORITO PLEASE! i'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! DON'T GET SO ANGRY!"

" **MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!" **

Silence. And then, the man in the yellow trenchcoat came back.

"Okay, so what were you saying?" he asked calmly. Irahs just stared.

"What just happened in the hallway?"

" Long story. What do you want?"

" Really, what happened in the Hallway?"

" Shut up. What do you want?"

" Just tell-"

**"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"**

Irahs paused for a short moment. And then answered.

" I want to know what happened in the hallway..." she said. The mans eyes turned red.

" If...If you really want to know...go to the palace...I'm-i'm sure the king will explain it...Now...go...before...i...snap." he said. Irahs jumoed with fear and scuttled away.

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**yeah yeah...I know. I said this would be only two chapters. But I've decided that each chapter I'm going to introduce another one of the stories plot developments. So that makes about five chapters. And, if you understood what was going on with the noodles and cheery and dorito guys...you need to get a life...wait a minute...I wrote this...that clearly means that I understand it too...Does that mean that..I need a life?...yeah probably...Well...reveiw...**

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	3. I want some candy

Irahs walked into the kings palace as she was instructed to by the scary counter dude. When she got in there, she saw a mna who looked just like the scary counter man but he was slightly taller.

"Aren't you the scary-" she began, but he cut her off.

" No. That was just my clone. Now shut up and leave me alone." the man said. Irahs frowned.

"But I wanna know the meaning of life! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee(chicken)eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese?" she pleaded. He sighed.

"Okay okay. The meaning of life is pepsi." He said. Irahs slowly blinked.

"What? I thought it was forty-two." she pointed out. He scowled.

"Well, since you're so 'all knowing' why don't you go invent some kinda...machiney thing...um...GOAWAY!" he screamed. Irahs squieked and ran away waving her arms about. Then, due to some strange circumstances, she ended up parachuting into a factory. Irahs walked around and she saw many pepsi cans being made.

"What is this place?" she asked herself.

" This," said a creepy man with a cane, " is my pepsi factory!" Irahs looked up at the man and he appeared to be willy wonka. But instead of a top hat, he had a pepsi can on his head. He looked pretty freakin' insane.

"Who are you? Where am I? What's my shoe size?" she asked. The creepy man laughed deeply. or somethin'.

"My name, " said the man , "Is joopy bumblebug"

Irahs pasued for a second and then shook her head violently.

"I'm sorry...what?" she asked.

"Joopy Bumblebug." the man said.

Irahs frowned and lifted and eyebrow. Use Shift+Enter for a BR tag guidelines visible.

" So, you make Pepsi here, Mr.Bumblebug?" Irahs asked. Mr. Bumblebug laughed heavily.

" My dear girl, we don't make PEPSI here...we make Pepsi CANS. Oh, and please, call me Joopy."

"um...okay Joopy. So, you make pepsi cans here?" She asked, just to confirm.

"OPF COURSE I DO MY DEAR CHILD!!!! **WOULD YOU LIKE A TOUR**?.!" he asked rather calmly. Irahs smiled and nodded her head visciously.

"Oh yes! Please Mr. Bumblebug!" She said with delight.

"I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME JOOPY GODDAMNIT! Anyways, on with the tour!" Joopy exclaimed. There are no more socks left.

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**Can somebody ** **please tell me what the hell my problem is? Please? **

**Review or else. **


	4. I need serious mental help

sjftgbvfkjldrjyifuxgodfuxvh;dfpjhbijycoygfmooiujv9gfcldfhtrnhfp[dtfpoom That is the most intelligent thing that you will ever read.

Disclaimer: Anyone who has the nerve to type the word above BACKWARDS in their reveiw will get a cookie and Irahs's head on a stick. And i WILL check to see if it's EXACT.

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Joopy Bumblebug began to lead Irahs around the factory of pepsi cans. He walked into a room. 

"This," said Joopy cornfully," is my PEPSI ROOM! ...of power" he exclaimed in a silly manner. oh ho ho. Time for tea!

Irahs looked around and her jaw fell open. There was a giant fountain of pepsi!

"waitaminute...I thought you said that you only made pepsi CANS here. Not pepsi." She pointed out. Joopy began to examine his nails.

"uh, that is sooooo last week. Now we do both!" Joopy explained gladly. Irahs licked her lips and ran into the pepsi room eagerly. Joopys eye widened.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! THAT CRAP AIN'T FREE I HOPE YOU KNOW!!!!" he screamed. Irahs frowned, a little disappointed. She looked around, trying to find an excuse to stay in the pepsi room. Then she got an idea. Irahs pushed a random music teacher into the pepsi river. Joopy screamed.

"OH NO!! I GONNA BE SUED TO DEATH!"

And then he jumped into the pepsi river attempting to drown himself. It didn't work. So he just started to try and save the music teacher instead. \

While Joopy was distracted, Irahs ran away to go and drink all the pepsi she could! And find the meaning of life!

She was running, running, running, running, and then...she dropped dead. That's right. She just dropped dead where she stood.

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**suprise ending no?**


	5. The end

**ummmm...wow. I'm actually finsihed a fanfic. Call the media. Wait, no don't. I hate the media. Fucking media. **

**Disclaimer: ur mom.**

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the screen faded back to the image of Scar, Alphonse and Edward listening to kain story. kain smiled at them. 

"There ya go. And THAT is why you two are green," he said pointing to Scar and Alphonse.

"And why YOU aren't green" he said pointed to edward.

There was a short pause.

"Mister Kain sir...That made no sense" whined ed. Scar nodded.

"yeah. No fair!"

"What's the moral of that story anyways?!" demanded Alphonse. Kain smiled warmly.

"The moral, my dear children, is ...well... suppose it would be...uh...hmm...OH yes! The moral is 'Slinko, Is a moron' " Kain explained cornfully. Scar, Alhponse and Edward all jumped with joy.

"YAY! SLINKOS A MORON!" they exclaimed. Kain laughed heartfully.

"Yes my children! Slinko is a moron indeed!" he laughed, "Now why don't you three get into this nice warm ..er...Box!"

Kain gestured to an open oven.

Scar frowned.

"That's an oven." he pointed out. Edward rolled his eyes.

"Tch! Don't be a doofus Scar! It's a nice warm box!" edward said, stepping into the nice warm box. Alphonse followed closely behind.

Scar shrugged and went in the nice warm box as well.

The second that they were all inside, Kain slammed the oven door closed and turned up the heat to 300 degrees. He set the timer for twenty minutes.

Twenty minutes and 15 seconds later...

Kain looked at his watch and gasped.

"It's been twenty minutes and 15 seconds!" he exclaimed," they'll burn!"

Kain ran over to the stove that for some obscure reason, was placed in the middle of the hallway. He flung the door open and pulled the three cooked children out.

He smiled and turned off the oven. Then he made sweet tarts out of Scar, Edward and Alphonse.

Later, he would sell them to the cannibals that lived in his backyard.

Kain grinned.

"I love Happy Endings"

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**What a twisted ending. What a twisted ending indeed. **

**E-hem. As for the two idiots who ACTUALLY spelled that really long word backwards, you are stupid. yes that's right. Stupid. But, a promise is a promise so i suppose I should give you some cookies and Irahs head on a stick. **

**That's what I WOULD say if i hadn't had my FINGERS CROSSED! HA! SUCKERS!!!! **

** I'm so glad that this fanfic is finally over. It's my first finished fanfic with a plot. That's right, I consider this fanfic to have a plot. **

**Well my loyal reviewers, i guess this is goodbye. (Unless of course you wanna read my OTHER far more INGENIUS fanfics Hint hint) **

**But before i end this fanfic, i have one last thing to say. Only about three people with understand it's significance but who cares?**

**The last thing I will say to you idiots is this...  
**

** Spell Irahs backwards.  
**


End file.
